The League of Gentlemen: "Big Woman" (Radio Version)

The other day, I was listening to the 'Big Woman' sketch, as it appeared on The League of Gentlemen's 'Live at Drury Lane' show.
Being particularly tickled by this sketch, I was looking for a transcript online, but couldn't find one anywhere. However, I remembered that a (less sweary) version also appeared in episode one of The League's Radio series, 'On The Town With The League of Gentlemen', which was broadcast in late 1997. It unfolded over three short parts over the course of the episode.
So, I dug out the tape, and set to work with a pen and a piece of paper...

"Big Woman" (Radio Version)

(Phone rings. Click.)

"This is Spent 4726, please leave a message after the tone. Thank you."

(Beep.)

Hello, my darling, it's me. I'm just calling you to thank you for the wonderful flowers, my darling. You've made a sick man very happy. You're a big woman, but you're a good woman. You've got generosity of spirit and a heart of gold. Gizza call, love, thanks love, bye.

(Beep.)

Hello, love, it's me again. It's the same day, thursday, later on. I'm home now, my darling, so you can ring me at home. Thank you again for the flowers my darling, you're a good 'un. You're a really good kid. Cheers love. Bye bye, love. Bye.

(Beep.)

Hello darling, it's me again. Bloody hell, you're never bloody there love! Anyway, my love, I'm at home now, it's late. I'll probably be in bed by the time you ring, so, but, you know, kid, thanks. You're a bloody good kid. I love you. You've got a big heart and you're good. You're a really good one. You're good. You're big - She's big but she's good! You're a big woman! Ring me love! Bye, love, bye!

(End of first part.)

(Phone rings. Click.)

(Beep.)

Bloody hell, my darling, where are you? It's friday - are you dead? I thought I was the one who was nearly dead! Well, you're not there, lover, are you? Are you?! Thanks for the flowers and that, but, God, ring us, eh? I don't... Yeah, you're big, and you're good and you're a woman, but you're not in, are you? Are you?! Gizza ring, love. I'm in, I'm always in. Bye, good 'un. She's big, but she's not in. But she's good. Bye!

(Beep.)

Oh, come off it, it's Saturday, my darling. Where are you? Where've you gone? Are you there? Come on, woman, pick up the phone, kid. Pick up the bloody phone, ring us one day, will you? Mind you, you're good. You've got the spirit and the heart and the body of a woman, a big woman at that. I love you! You never ring me, but I love you. Great, love, you're good. By, you're good! Bye, good! Goodbye.

(Beep.)

(End of second part.)

(Phone rings. Click.)

(Beep.)

OH, FOR PITY'S SAKE, IT'S GONE BEYOND A JOKE, THIS! I'm sick of hearing that message of yours! Where are you, then? I thought you were good, I had you down as a good 'un, but you're not good, you're bad. You're a woman and you're big, but you're bad. You woman, I thought you were good, I'm not even sure you're a woman now, are you? Are you even big? I just don't know anymore, kid. Man, Woman, Big - you were once, sure, now, who knows? I don't. I hate you. You've got nothing, you were nothing, you are nothing, get lost. You're not big, you're not little...sod you. Bye, love. Bye, love. Goodbye. Goodbye, goodbye. Be good. Goodbye. Love. Ta-ta.

(Beep.)

Hello, my darling, it's Sunday. Thank you for your call, love. It was wonderful. You're a bloody good 'un. You're one of the best. Thanks for your thoughts, thank you for you, my darling, you're one of the good guys. But you're not a guy. You're a woman. I know that now, you proved it. How could I have doubted it? Oh, and she's big! She's a big one! A big woman, and she's a good 'un! Thank you my love! Thank you, bye, love. Bye.
Oh, gizza ring tonight, love. I'll be in.

(Beep.)

END.

Written and performed by The League of Gentlemen (Jeremy Dyson, Mark Gatiss, Steve Pemberton and Reece Shearsmith). Copyright BBC 1997.